


Welcome to the LIGMA police station

by IzzyvanIzzgy



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Death Note, Gay, Light has headaches, M/M, Somewhat a crack fic, basically just the characters doing stupid stuff when they're supposed to work, but it's comedy ya know, meme stuff, not much plot I guess, personalities are a bit over the top, police station that's neat, pranks and idiots, rated Explicit because swearing, references (vine? memes?), sir this is my emotional comfort shitposting, stupid humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 16:01:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyvanIzzgy/pseuds/IzzyvanIzzgy
Summary: All things considered, he really shouldn't work here. Too many fashion disasters, too many annoying and loud idiots, and no actual work. Still, this hell of a workplace had something that made Light not wanting to quit his job. Maybe it was the fact that he needed the money desperately, maybe it was something different.somewhat of a crackfic with a bit of plot i guess? just characters being stupid and gay





	1. One hell of a job interview

**Author's Note:**

> can't believe i'm actually doing a death note fanfiction in 2019 but here we are  
i'm writing this because i want the characters to have some fun and because i wanted to  
hope you have fun reading this

Light Yagami was broke.

There was absolutely no point in denying it anymore.

Somehow – yes, somehow, he would never ever tell a single soul how - he got fired from his past job and was still struggling to find a new one.

“But there are endless possibilities in such a big city!”, his sister would say.

“And not to mention you’re such an intelligent boy”, his father would say.

“And such a handsome young man!”, his mother would say.

“Exactly! You’d make tons of money as a stripper!”, his sister always added.

His family was right – yes, there were supposedly endless possibilities, yes, he was terribly smart, he was incredibly handsome, and yes, he would absolutely destroy the world as a stripper.

But Light Yagami had a dream.

It was a dream about justice – and he knew how childish it sounded, his sister had told him many times.

Nonetheless, he had always dreamt about a world without rotten people, and he had decided that the best way to follow his dream was to not murder criminals, but to persue the career of a detective.

Sadly, it seemed as if there were no police stations that offered a job at the moment.

No police stations except, well…

Light looked at the paragraph in front of his eyes.

It was ridiculous, as if the words on his computer screen were belittling him.

_we r police station_

_you job, we money_

_plz_

_xoxoxo_

That was it.

Nothing more, except a telephone number at the bottom.

This had to be a joke.

This had to be god forsaken joke.

There he was, living on a bare minimum, soon to be broke, completely devastated, and this was all the universe had to offer?

Light could feel his headache incoming.

Still…

This piece of crap was all he had next to starting a career at McDonald’s.

He grabbed his Nokkia 100, dialed the number on his screen and already regretted his decision.

“YO!”, someone screamed in his ear and Light immediately pulled his phone away, “WE GOT ONE!”

Light cleared his throat.

“Good morning, am I talking with the…uh”, Light stopped for a few seconds, “_the_ police station?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

Was he fucking serious?

Light could hear quiet giggling, followed by the sound of someone being punched and a faint “OW”.

“What I was trying to say was…yes! We are the police station! The goodest! The bestest! The- okay geez I’ll stop okay? Please don’t punch me anymore, I beg you!”

“Um”, Light started, looking for words.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Can you come for a job interview?”

“Sure.”

“Aye nice”, the guy one phone yelled, “Come whenever you want! We’re across the street from the…uh…do you know where that donut shop is?”

That donut shop?

“There surely are lots of different donut shops in a city this big”, Light responded with a tired voice.

“Ya, but only one shop’s got the extra triple chocolate cocoa mousse chocolate sprinkle donuts served with diabetes.”

“Extra triple chocolate what?”

“What do you mean you’re hungry? We can’t leave now! Ow,ow! No, stop!”

Light blinked a few times as he heard a scream on the other side.

For fuck’s sake.

“Fine, fine, I’ll go with you! See ya!”

“Wait!”, Light tried, but he already heard the beeping sound of being left alone.

Extra triple…chocolate…donuts.

He might as well buy some before going to the job interview, a little present never failed.

But first, he had to find that god damn shop.

Being broke really made him that desperate, huh?

And there he was, the fool of the universe, with a donut bag and coffee in his hands, standing outside and looking at fate, trying to warn him.

He had already assumed that the police station was the big, white building on the other side of the street, but now that he saw a crying and screaming man running out of the building, he was pretty sure.

He knew he should take the scared man as a warning, but was he in a state to take it seriously?

Maybe…just something else happened?

Light sighed and decided to finally cross the street.

It did surprise him how ordinary the building seemed – clean, white walls, big, but not more than three floors, simple, modern architecture.

It perfectly blended in.

That’s why the sign on the door threw him off – to be fair, it was actually just a sticky note on which someone had scribbled “LIGMA police station”.

He wasn’t dreaming, was he?

Light snapped back to reality when a young woman waved at him like crazy, so he opened the door and walked towards the secretary desk.

“Hiiii! Are you here for a job interview?”, the young woman asked with a high voice and a bright smile.

Her positive attitude let Light forget his headache for a minute.

“Exactly. I hope I’m not too late.”

“No, not at all! Just take a seat over there!”, she responded and pointed to a row of seats where another man already seemed to wait and Light nodded silently.

“My name’s Misa, but you can call me anytime”, she suddenly grinned and winked at Light, before she lightly giggled and looked away in embarrassment. “Sorry, that was cheesy.”

Light was, strangely, still smiling, grabbed a pen from the desk and started to write his number on the coffee he had bought.

Misa watched with wide eyes and her cheeks flushed a bit as Light put the coffee cup on the desk and headed to the seats.

If he was going to get the job, it certainly would help to have someone on his side.

“Oh, hello there!”

Why was everyone here so exceptionally loud?

Light turned his head to the young man and his attention was immediately drawn to the black, soft looking hair – perfectly groomed, almost his length, with a few loose strands of hair falling on his shoulders.

What conditioner was he using?

It looked so silk, so well groomed, something Light hadn’t perfectly mastered yet.

“Uh…you there?”

“Excuse me, what brand of conditioner do you happen to be using?”

“What is conditioner?”

The whole world seemed to fade away right in front of Light’s eyes – in his mind, he sunk to his knees, clenched his teeth, desperately grabbed his chest, his whole body shivered just so he could try to fight the pain he suddenly felt after hearing such a question.

But all the emotion Light decided to show was a slightly twitching eye.

“You uh…can take a seat if you feel a bit dizzy”, the man suddenly commented. “You seem to space out a bit.”

Light did take a seat, but as soon as he sat down, someone loudly opened the door in front of them.

“Thank fucking god, there are still some idiots left”, a blonde, young man hissed and another young, red haired man appeared next to him and Light began to ask himself why exactly everyone he had met so far was so young.

The redhead cheered and it took Light one second to recognize the voice.

He should’ve known it was the guy from the phone call – he could’ve known, judging by his appearance.

Red, messy hair which definitely never had seen conditioner, yellow tinted goggles which made Light almost vomit, a striped sweater on which Light had counted way too many ketchup stains and some green pants that looked like stolen skin from the Michelin man.

To say it shortly, Light was disgusted.

So disgusted that he didn’t even try to look at the cat woman rip off who seemingly had smelt something and was currently trying to find the source.

“You two can come in”, the rip off murmured after he gave up and Light followed him into a small office, sat down on the other side of the table and returned the analytical stare he was given.

“Alright, most important question first: Who do you main?”

“Who do I…what?”

Did he miss something?

Light watched the visible confusion on the face of the other applicant to reassure himself.

“I know I threaten you often, but I will absolutely murder you if you keep this shit going”, the walking leather wardrobe growled at the redhead.

“Hey, I’m sorry, is this a misunderstanding? This is the job interview, right?”

“I happen to be quite confused as well”, Light added.

“Yes, it is”, a new voice answered and Light knew he had to come up with new descriptive terms since another young man had entered the scene.

One look, and he was sure it would be easy - scruffy, emo, a walking corpse, standing as if he had a broken spine, yet somehow incredibly fascinating.

The dark, calculating eyes stared right into his soul, and no matter how hard he tried, Light couldn’t figure out if the black rings beneath the eyes were just heavy bags or straight up eyeliner.

At least his outfit wasn’t a complete disaster.

“May I have your names?”, the corpse asked.

“Touta Matusda!”

One person he finally could call by name.

“And who are you guys?”, Matsuda now asked.

“You may call me L, that’s all you need for now.”

And Light sighed.

He had begged that at least one person here was sane, but his prayers had been denied.

“Are you here for the job as well?”, the weird man who he certainly would never call L asked with an interested gaze.

“Yes. I-“

“Hold up. Hold the fuck up. What’s that in your hand?”

“Oh, that. I remember…_him_ mentioning a donut shop during our call, so I thought it after many rough job interviews, chocolate donuts would help ease the mind”, Light said with his best smile and opened the bag, to which the eyes of the leather man became dangerously wide.

“What a suck-up”, weird man commented and bit his thump.

“I don’t care what he’s sucking, give me the fucking bag!”

The bag full of donuts was forcefully removed from Light’s hands and the first donut disappeared into the blonde’s mouth.

“But for next time, I prefer the ones filled with strawberry jam”, weird man explained as he stole a donut from the bag and licked it.

“Next time?”, all of the other people asked at the same time.

“Yes”, the walking corpse answered while chewing with an open mouth, earning several disgusted looks. “He’s hired.”

Light didn’t know whether he should be glad or disappointed, but he certainly was irritated.

_What the fuck _was what he wanted to say.

“I appreciate it”, was what he chose instead.

“Hey! That’s unfair, do you even know if he’s qualified?”, Matsuda brought in.

“Yeah! Boss, you made us do these interviews all the day, why him?”, Ronald McDonald agreed.

“We don’t have any people left.”

“And who’s fault is it?”, Blondie snarled and Ronald McDonald shrugged his shoulders.

“Plus, he’s hot”, weird man flirted- maybe it wasn’t flirting, but Light had no idea what else to call it.

Blondie choked.

The clown laughed.

Matsuda was pouting.

Light wondered if the paycheck was worth it.

“Touta Matsuda, we will hire you as well.”

Blondie and the clown still weren’t breathing.

“I knew it! It’s always the others who get the job! I should- wait, what?”

“You two can start working tomorrow.”

Matsuda jumped from his chair, proceeded to hug Light -_ the paycheck better be fucking worth it _– and smiled like a little child.

“We need someone who can clean up the mess we make”, the walking corpse elaborated.

“I’ll take what I can”, Matsuda responded optimistically.

Cleaning?

He was going to clean stuff?

“Thank you for hiring me”, Light repeated, stood up and shook the weird man’s hand.

L – Light was way too tired to come up with new names – didn’t let go of Light’s hand, and Light was sure he could feel some left over chocolate on L’s hand.

“What are we supposed to call you, mysterious newcomer?”

Light yanked his hand out of the tight grip, adjusted his tie and smirked.

“You may call me L as well”, he imitated the original, walked out of the room, ignored the white hair boy who had been watching them through a window the whole time and left the building.

He had signed up for a job in hell.

But his name wouldn’t be Light Yagami if he wouldn’t return the favor of headaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light snapped back to reality  
oh there goes gravity  
oh there goes Rabbit  
he choked  
he's so mad but he won't give up that easy, nope


	2. One hell of a task

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woahhh here we go, chapter two  
have fun reading this

This wasn’t a noisy street.

No, it was a rather quiet street midst a very big city, with just an average amount of shops (including a donut shop), and average amount of offices, an average amount of people.

Everything about this street screamed average.

It was in fact so painfully average it actually made sense to find the gateway to hell here.

Light sighed.

He still hoped that everything he had witnessed yesterday had just been a very weird, realistic feeling fever dream.

So much incredibly chaotic energy in one place?

That had to be impossible!

Him actually saying “You may call me L as well”?

Light shuddered.

How incredibly embarrassing it would be if those events had took place!

Light chuckled with closed eyes and opened the door in front of him, and just as the smell of chocolate hit his nose, a wave of different, way too loud noises did too.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YA! COME BACK YOU DIRTY BASTARD!”

Light stopped smiling.

“IT WASN’T ME! IT WASN’T ME, I SWEAR!”

Light heard the sound of several chairs getting knocked over.

“Please don’t destroy the furniture, I paid for that, you know.”

Now he heard the sound of a table breaking.

“L HELP ME! HE’S GONE FERAL!”

“You seem a bit shocked.”

Light blinked a few times and looked down, right into the dark eyes of a little…boy?

“Do not worry, their behavior is normal.”

Here was his proof- this was a dream, most definitely.

There was no way a little boy with clean, white and fluffy hair was talking to him.

Light chuckled.

“God, why must you torture me with such nightmares?”, Light asked while staring at the ceiling.

“Do you need me to pinch you?”

The white cloud didn’t wait for an answer and Light only laughed louder as the cloud pinched him.

“Look L, he’s just as crazy as well are”, the actual white boy commented.

“Knew it”, L replied and walked back into his office, completely ignoring the deadly chase that was going on inside the police station.

“PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I DIDN’T DO SHIT!”

“WHO ELSE WOULD PUT WHIPPED CREAM IN MY DRAWER?”

A glass shattered on the floor.

“I DON’T EVEN LIKE WHIPPED CREAM!”

Several pens were being thrown.

“I DON’T CARE! MY HAND WAS FULL OF CREAM, DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS? I’LL WHIP YOUR FUCKING ASS WITH THIS CREAM!”

Protection was sought and found behind a door.

“You know, that actually sounds kinda hot.”

A scream was heard.

“I’ll let you in on a secret”, white boy whispered and Light realized he had been blankly staring at the ceiling the whole time, trying to figure out if he was in the right dimension or if he had ended up in a parallel universe where nothing made sense. “It was me.”

“Huh?”

“I did it. I stole the whipped cream from L and put it in the drawer.”

“Why would you do that?”, Light sighed and looked down again.

“Letting chaos unfold in these cursed halls brings me great joy”, white boy responded and played with a single strand of his hair. “They are nothing but my marionettes attached to strings I’m always holding. I control their thoughts and with a single move from me, I can change whatever these vessel of emotions do. Watch this.”

Light waited curiously as white boy searched for something in his pockets, only to find a single piece of chocolate – then he whistled.

Everyone froze, and in a matter of second, the blonde leather wardrobe ran over to Light and white boy.

“Here”, white boy smiled and offered his chocolate. “Take it. You seem like you need to calm down a bit.”

The goth waderobe seemed skeptical, but eventually, he gave in, took the chocolate and a bite and immediately looked happier.

“Thanks I guess”, he murmured, ruffled through the white hair, and walked away.

“You’re the devil”, Light said with an interested tone.

“I know”, white boy grinned. “It just gets so boring here, sometimes I need to spice things up.”

“I see”, Light responded and continued to watch the not so furious anymore blonde quietly sitting down in front of a computer, still chewing on the chocolate. “So I assume most of this chaos only ensues because you are bored?”

“You’re correct.”

Well, that sounded just great.

“May I ask, why exactly are you bored?”

The white turned his head to L’s office and shot him an annoyed glare.

“Because L doesn’t give us any work. He’s doing everything by himself.”

“How generous”, Light huffed and decided to also stare angrily at L.

“You’re one to talk”, the white boy responded, “L said he actually has jobs for you and that you should come to his office as quick as possible.”

“Thanks for telling me this early”, Light sighed.

“It’s my pleasure. Go then.”

“Wait a second”, Light said and grabbed the white boys sleeve, “At least tell me your name. I can’t come up with anymore descriptive names.”

The white boy gave him yet another sadistic grin.

“I can’t tell you my name yet. We are supposed to introduce ourselves in alphabetical order.”

Light started to massage his temples while slowly walking to L’s office, desperately trying to prevent a headache this early in the morning, but he gave up as soon as he heard a muffled voice behind a door.

“Hey.”

Light reached for the door handle, opened it slightly and looked at the redhead, who was still hiding in a dark room, crouching on the floor.

“Hey little momma lemme-“

“No”, Light simply said and closed the door again.

“No, no wait!”, the voice from the other side begged and Light opened the door yet again, looking down on the pathetic creature and he almost let out another sigh.

“Is it safe out there? Has Blondie calmed down?”

“It’s safe. This boy with white hair gave him some chocolate, which seemed to have eased his mind”, Light answered.

“I coulda done that, too”, the redhead pouted and squeezed himself through the small gap, sat down at his desk and continued pouting.

“Alright then”, Light said, decided to not question it any further for the sake of his sanity, ran his fingers through his hair and knocked on L’s office.

“You may enter”, L’s monotone voice ordered and Light did as told.

Light wasn’t sure what he had expected L’s office to look like, but it definitely wasn’t this.

It was a rather small room, which wasn’t too surprising, but it was completely stacked full – not even the walls were safe.

Light counted four whiteboards with no empty spots.

Several photos were taped to the board, decorated with lazy handwriting, and Light swore he could even see a drawing of a penis on the first whiteboard, too.

Next to the whiteboards, Light also counted two paper bins which were filled with banana peels, paper plates, muffin paper cups that were strangely wet and several sugar packages.

The floor was covered with trash that didn’t fit into the bins anymore and with way too many, too important looking files.

To Light’s horror, the desk was even worse.

“You may sit down.”

Light nodded, not being able to avert his eyes from the chaos on the desk.

Two laptops, at least four notebook accompanied by five pens, again paper plates, but this time with food (mostly cake), a rubik’s cube and four mugs.

Light sat down as he read what was written on them – “WORLD’S BEST BOSS”, “WORLD’S BEST DAD”, “WORLD’S BEST DADDY” and “YOU’RE OKAY”.

“You’re late”, L remarked.

Only now Light noticed the strange way his new boss was sitting.

Drawn up legs, a back like an ape, bare feet – god, how badly he wanted to shove this idiot off of his chair.

“My apologies.”

L didn’t respond, he didn’t nod, didn’t say a word, didn’t blink.

“I have been told that you have jobs for me”, Light said as an attempt to break the silence.

He would not let his time go to waste by L’s weird behavior.

“Yes, that’s true.”

Silence again.

Light sighed, rested his head on his hand and stared right back at L.

He had to be fucking kidding him, right?

Was he supposed to figure out what he had to do himself?

He tried his best to find any hints at what his boss was thinking, but he was staring into a blank face.

Wait, was that curiosity he could see in L’s eyes?

An interested that almost seemed to sparkle in his dark eyes?

Or was he just hallucinating?

Light decided that he did not care.

“You’re not trying to break the silence anymore”, L noticed.

What?

“You were analyzing me.”

“Correct.”

“I know I’m very fascinating. What can I say, the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma”, Light smiled proudly.

L didn’t laugh.

But he didn’t seem annoyed either.

“Did you truly hire me just to clean this place?”

“We’ll see.”

We’ll see?

“I have not seen Matsuda all morning. I suppose he doesn’t have to clean, either.”

“Matsuda has his own tasks”, L responded and tilted his head. “Your tasks will depend on your capabilities.”

“I understand. Then, what will my first test be?”

L’s eyes seemed to light up and he started searching around in the piles of documents.

After a few minutes of tired waiting, a stack of files was presented to Light.

“Those are old cases which got solved by my workers”, L explained.

Light grabbed the file on top and skimmed through it.

Mello?

What kind of whack ass name was that?

“It seems I have forgotten who solved which case though”, L continued with an innocent look on his face. “So, go ahead. You have one week.”

One week?

“Alright”, Light said, picked up the files and walked out of the office.

“I should mention”, L said just as Light was out the door, “My secretary Ms. Amane would be a great help with this task.”

Ms. Amane?

Light had only met one woman in this station this far- so it had to be Misa, right?

“Unfortunately, she will be very busy this week. I really, really hope you still will be able to see her here.”

Ass.

Light knew exactly why he hadn’t seen Misa all day.

“Thank you”, Light responded with a fake smile, then closed the door behind him.

Well, at least he didn’t have to clean that messy, disgusting room.

Light sighed and looked around, searching for a quiet place where he could read the files, and found said place in a corner with two empty desks.

Light blew some dust off of one the desk and let down the files.

Surprisingly, no one here was screaming – not even Blondie.

Quite on the contrary, Blondie was silently looking at his computer screen, munching some M&Ms, and Light even noticed how Blondie lightly nodded to the upbeat Tetris music coming from the redhead’s computer.

White boy was quiet as well, but he didn’t stare at his computer screen, no, he stared at Light just like L did.

Light shook his head – he shouldn’t get distracted – and sat down at his self proclaimed desk.

Just as he wanted to search through the files, he heard the signal of a new message, so he pulled out his Nokia 100.

_From: unknown number_

_Hii （●＞ω＜●）_

_it’s me from yesterday!!!_

_you know, that lady you gave your number to?!!_ (。O ω O。)

_sorry i’m not here today!!!_

_boss sent me out with the new guy to go shopping!! can u imagine??_ (╯︵╰,)

_but i always reply!! so shoot me a message if you have questionz!!_

__

_Misa (◕ ω ◕✿)_

A confident smile curled Light’s lips.

How unfortunate Misa wasn’t here.

How very, very unfortunate for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may be an open book, L, but i'm a bit more complicated than that!  
The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.


	3. One hell of a first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow it's january 2020 oops  
happy halloween  
merry christmas  
happy new year  
to say it short, happy holidays y'all. i'm back with 3,000 words of stupid jokes
> 
> btw, if you wanna have fun, count how many times i used "stare" in this chapter

“Oh Light, you truly are perfect!”

“Oh Light, how can it be that you are so incredibly handsome and intelligent at the same time?”

“Oh Light, if you were a god, I would follow you anywhere!”

“Hey Light, aren’t you a bit late?”

One of these things wasn’t like the others.

Light turned to his other side and moaned to make sure the annoying voice would go away.

“Oh Light, how do you always know what to do?”

“Hey Light, how are you out of all people late?”

“Because I’m simply perfect”, Light murmured and smiled to himself.

“Oh, Light-“

Something soft hit him in the face and Light jerked up.

“Hey Mr. Perfect”, his sister said sarcastically and held a pillow in her hand, “You’re still late to work.”

“I’m what?”

Light couldn’t believe his ears: He? Late?

What assumptions did his sister dare to make?

“Just sayin. After you scolded me yesterday for oversleeping and proudly told me how early you wake up to get to work on time.”

“What time is it?”

“Man, can’t you look for yourself? You gotta use your own brain is what you always say, right, Mr. Perfect?”

Oh great, this’ll stick with him forever.

“I’ll remember this next time you ask me to help you with your homework”, Light snarled.

“It’s 8:30! You slept exactly fourty-two minutes and seven seconds too long, I counted because it was way too funny.”

“Funny, huh?”, Light repeated with an evil stare.

“Just the facts! But I suppose you can save some time when you hurry up”, his sister continued and gulped after realizing Light’s mimic wasn’t getting any better, “Aaaand you might save some more minutes when your lovely sister prepares a quick breakfast for you! Love you Light!”

And without another word, his sister sprinted towards the kitchen, leaving Light some time to come back to reality.

_Fuck._

Light turned his head towards his alarm clock, making sure his sister had said the truth.

She had.

_Oh, fuck._

How did he oversleep?

He was always setting exactly five alarms in equally long intervals – how was able to sleep through them?

It must have been that horrible, frustrating day of work yesterday.

“BREAKFAST’S ON THE TABLE!”, his sister yelled and Light realized he probably should really hurry up.

If he wouldn’t spend too much time on his hair, skipped the tie, ate his breakfast on the way to work, he might actually make it on time.

Light jumped up, picked up his clothes (including a suit, underwear, and no shirt) and claimed the bathroom before his sister could.

Maybe he could also pick up an aspirin for his migraine he had since yesterday – he’d definitely need it.

He still had to figure out which case got solved by who, since no one had let him do his work in peace.

Which was, of course, the fault of his terrible new boss.

If Light only knew how terribly right he was.

L nibbled on his finger and looked at the written text.

_I request everyone’s presence in my office immediately._

_YW_

_(which means You’re Welcome)_

_CU (See You), L_

_Yeah, this should do._

L nodded proudly and hit send.

_Matt would most definitely be content with his message._

_Just a week ago he had cried over how “out of date” his texting style was…_

L stared outside his window, patiently waiting for a reaction, as he heard someone burst out in laughter.

Matt was holding his stomach, his smartphone lying right next to him.

A few cried tears later, he stood up, grabbed Mello and went to L’s office.

“Yo boss, we’re here. Your message was tots LOL. Got me ROFL. LMAO”, Matt said with a big grin on his face and earned a punch in the arm a few seconds after.

“Is he talking in irony? I cannot tell”, L responded and turned to Mello.

“Yeah, he’s an asshole. Don’t mind him, L. You’re getting better at texting, I suppose”, Mello murmured under his breath.

“I truly appreciate your short moments of honesty, Mihael.”

“See? This is why we really need those two new guys. None of us know how to act in a social manner”, Matt sighed. “Not even Near knows how to behave like a decent person.”

All three stared out the window, only to find Near intensely staring at Light.

“I taught him how to do that”, L proclaimed.

“Of course you did”, Matt and Mello said at the same time, “So, what’d you call us in for?”

“I need all of your so called “chaotic energy” to distract Mr. Yagami as much as possible.”

“Wouldn’t that be cheating?”, Mello asked.

“Oh, it absolutely is cheating, Count me in!”, Matt laughed and rubbed his hands together like a wannabe villain.

“If you need to be sponsored, don’t hesitate to ask me. Now go and have fun, shoo shoo.”

Matt grabbed Mello’s hand without hesitating and dragged him out the office and into the next corner, presumably to develop a masterful plan.

Not that L was interested.

He had to focus on his current case and there was no way he would be able to get distracted.

Luckily, he already had an idea in his mind – if his calculations were right, all they had to do was infiltrate the party and he would be able to get new information…

A sudden thud shifted L’s attention to the outside again.

His fellow little minions were rummaging through a room filled with music instruments, toys, gadgets and other things L couldn’t identify.

_Interesting._

_He didn’t even knew this room existed._

“εὕρηκα!“

“What the fuck did you say?”

“EUREKA!”

“But why did you say it in Ancient Greek?”

“Bro…how the fuck did you see what I was saying?”

“Bro.”

L shook his head.

He would only lose brain cells if he’d continue to watch such weird scenarios.

“Any idea how we gonna do the cake?”

On second thought, he could use a break.

L rolled his chair to the door, opened it slightly (in case Mello and Matt magically stopped speaking with an irrationally perfect volume helping L to understand them in another room), rolled back to the window and stared at his two idiots.

“I don’t think we have anything edible in here, except the food L is hiding, some milk in the fridge and my chocolate”, Mello elaborated.

“True. And if I use either of those, I’ll end up dead. And all we found in my storage room was a bowl.”

That would explain why Matt was wearing a bowl as a hat.

“Can I help?”

Three pair of eyes stared at Near, who surprisingly had stopped staring at Light.

“Just do what you can do best”, Matt proposed. “Irritate and creep the shit outta everyone, in this case specifically Light.”

“It’d be my pleasure.”

“We don’t need his help”, Mello argued.

“Uh, so you wanna bake a cake with an empty bowl and expired milk? Uhuh, didn’t think so Mells. We do need his help”, Matt carefully explained and patted Near’s shoulder, who nodded simultaneously.

_The milk in the fridge was expired?_

L tilted his head in confusion.

_That couldn’t be._

He grabbed his tea cup, smelled the liquid inside and took a sip.

_He had used this milk all day and his tea tasted of ten sugar cubes – simply excellent._

_Matt had even told him that milk was perfectly useable weeks after it was opened._

“First of, I told you a million times: Don’t fucking call me that”, Mello growled, but L knew Matt didn’t take him seriously – he could see the glistening mischief in Matt’s eyes. “Secondly, I already have an idea.”

“Oh? Please enlighten me”, Matt said with crossed arms.

Mello responded by grabbing his phone, searching through his contacts and calling someone.

“Hey! Who you’re calling? I thought I was the only one in your contacts!”, Matt protested.

“I have you blocked”, Mello responded harshly and Matt wiped away a tear.

“So, who are you calling?”, Near now asked.

“Our idiot”, Mello whispered while he waited for the idiot to pick up.

“Oh, Misa?”

“No, our new idiot.”

Near, Matt and L turned to Light at the same time.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m talking about…Matsuda, hi.”

“How is he supposed to help? I don’t think I can follow your thoughts…which is very strange”, Near wondered and started to play with Mello’s hair as if he would be able to find any answers hidden there.

“Okay listen: You get your ass back here as fast as you can or I’ll make your job a living hell. Hm? It’s already a living hell? Oh my fucking god, you’re about to get to know real hell if you continue to ask more stupid ass questions!”

Frankly, L was not too content with Mello’s idea – having Matsuda and Misa back in the office would result in a rapid drop of his productivity…

“Huh? You say that’s actually perfect because Misa really wants to come back, too? I don’t understand, I thought Misa loved shopping”, Mello said, slowly losing his threatening undertone.

Near abruptly started laughing.

“Oh, I loved that subtle, ironic critique! You see, it was very humorous, because Misa is a woman and Mello used the stereotypical cliché that women love shopping for his joke!”, Near explained himself while still slightly giggling.

Mello cleared his throat.

“I see. Alright, you better pick some stuff up on your way back or else I will cut your fucking throat.”

“I still don’t see why Misa wants to come back too”, Matt mumbled and L nodded as if he was part of the conversation.

There was simply no reason.

Except…

Once again, everyone’s head turned to Light Yagami and this time, he looked up, visibly confused on why everyone was so busy staring at him.

“Why we’re baking a cake? Do we need a fucking reason?”

“You two will be baking a cake? I can never say no to a sweet piece of fine bakery”, Near said and Mello bit his teeth, trying to calm himself down.

“No! We’re not throwing a welcome party! What the fuck makes you think that we’d be throwing a party for you guys?”, Mello yelled.

Light Yagami coughed and once again got all the attention.

“I must decline as well. A simple worker like me does not deserve such a grande fête”, Light said with a humble smile.

“Oh shut up and get back to work”, Mello hissed and Light rolled his eyes.

“We’re quite multilingual today, aren’t we? May I join? Yo puedo ser el que hable español”, Near said.

“No, no puedes, cállate”, Matt shot back. “Personally, I think a party would be a wonderful distraction.”

“I thought you weren’t a fan of parties?”, Mello replied confused.

“Be quiet, you! You know that’s a secret! How can you betray me like this, Mells?”

“Do not fucking call me that”, Mello snarled and shifted his focus back to Matsuda. “Hrmph. I suppose we can throw a small party.”

Mello immediately put his phone away from his ear as Matsuda started to cheer.

“DOES THAT MEAN I CAN BRING PARTY BLOWERS?”, Matsuda asked with such a loud voice that Matt, Near and even L – and probably Light, too – could hear it.

“Sure dude. Party blowers. Heh. I like the sound of that”, Matt laughed and wiggled with his eyebrows.

“Just hurry up.”

And without another word, Mello hung up.

“I’ll give those idiots thirty minutes, one hour at maximum. Which means we should have enough time to find more useable stuff around”, Mello started, but stopped once the entrance door was flung open.

“WE’RE BACK!”, Matsuda proudly exclaimed and held up several shopping bags, followed by Misa, who carried even more bags.

“Misa! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise!”, Light smiled softly and walked up to her.

_Oh no_, L thought, remembering he was in this scene, too.

“Light!”, Misa smiled brightly and ran towards him. “I got your messages! I-“

“Shhhh. Say, do you mind helping me a bit?”, Light asked and put his arm around her shoulder.

_Oh no, oh no_, L thought, forgetting he was actually able to stop this.

“I get it, I do!”, Misa snickered. “It’s a secret meeting!”

_Near, help me_, L thought and once he met the young boy’s eyes, they both nodded.

“Alas! My poor, unbelievable not soft and dry hair! What happened to you?”, Near whined, hiding his face in shame. “Ah, if there only was someone who knew about hair products and could help me with my hair care!”

Near shot a glance to Misa, who’s eyes sparkled with excitement, but before she could say anything, Light bowed down to Near with an honest smile.

“Don’t worry little one, I will tell you all you need to know. Just follow me”, Light whispered, Near shrugged and followed him.

“Woah, was that kind of creepy or was that just me?”, Misa asked concerned and watched as Light abducted Near to his corner, but no one seemed to care.

“Anyways! Cake! Party! Do you have everything?”, Matt changed the topic.

“I-I think so”, Matsuda stuttered. “We bought everything we could think of. Cake mix, eggs, butter, party hats, confetti, a _WELCOME_ girlande, some Christmas lights, a plastic flamingo, multicolored but reusable straws and alcohol free champagne! We would have also bought whip cream but Misa told me that you guys always have a can in the fridge.”

Matt laughed nervously.

“What…a coincidence. Sadly…”, Matt said and gulped, looking at Mello who was glaring at him, “Our can tried a tragic death. It’s empty. Hey, what happened to the party blowers? Got any of those?”

“Shoot! I knew we forgot something! I’m sorry, it was just…”, Matsuda avoided everyone’s eyes, “I was a bit distracted by the death threats.”

“Death threat? DEATH THREAT? I’LL SHOW YOU A FUCKING DEATH THREAT!”

“Yeah, this is what I meant.”

“Don’t worry!”, Matt said and patted Mello’s head, “He’s all bark and no bite.”

“You sure?”, Matsuda asked. “He seems to growl a lot.”

“I’m sure! Mello doesn’t like biting. Or do you? Mells, do you have a biting kink?”

“Ah, so Mello’s the name”, Matsuda gasped. “I saw him more as a bondage type.”

Growling, Mello forcefully grabbed the shopping bags, searched for the right ingredients, grabbed them, emptied the rest of the bags out on the floor and stormed to the kitchen.

“If you want to get on his good side, don’t be me and give him chocolate”, Matt winked, then followed Mello to the kitchen, and L rolled to the window that had perfect sight into the kitchen.

“Two eggs? Okay, let’s crack these motherfuckers open…”

“Hey, Mihael, you good? Don’t want a brain vessel poppin in that pretty head of yours.”

“I’m fine”, Mello said with an unusual soft tone and gave Matt a light smile. “I just don’t know what to make of this Yagami.”

“Careful, the egg shell. We want our cake fluffy, not crunchy”, Matt lectured.

“It’s been one day and I’m already sick of his masquerade!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Matt joked, “He seems pretty open about his hair routine.”

Yet another head turn to Light Yagami.

Even Mello couldn’t hold in his laughter when he saw Light packing out several hairbrushes and showing them to Near.

To everyone’s surprise, Near gave Light his full attention and listened to every word Light said.

“You know, Matty… what if we try to annoy him until his mask breaks?”

“Isn’t that the task L gave us?”

“So is that a no?”

“Of course not! I’m in. I can’t wait for the day Light Yagami finally breaks.”

_He couldn’t wait for it either_, L thought.

_It wouldn’t take long for Yagami to lose his pretentious smile._

“Are you sure we’re doing this right? It says milk and not butter”, Matt said, reading through the instructions.

“You really want to use the expired milk?”

“Nevermind. You’re doing the rest wrong anyways.”

“I’m not! What are you talking about? I’m following my heart!”

“And that’s where you’re wrong. Mello, you should really try cooking by the book.”

“Matt I double dare you. The jar is waiting for you.“

“Mello, you know it’s a piece of to cake to bake a pretty cake.”

“Matt I have flour and I will use it.”

“You know you can’t be lazy.”

L winced at the sudden explosion of flour, which tragically resulted in a dirty window.

_It’s better that way._

_He should be working anyways._

“Let’s see”, L talked to himself and picked up his tea cup again, ready to fully concentrate on his own task.

“Aw, Light! That pink little party hart really suits you!”

_But his work could surely wait._

Unfortunately, Misa was wrong.

Pink did not suit Light, at least in L’s eyes.

_Were there no olive colored party hats?_

L looked around the office.

Misa and Matsuda were doing a really good job – if the job was to ruin the simple, intellectual atmosphere of the office.

Although Near did seem to enjoy the new decorations – he was hugging the pink plastic flamingo (which also wore a party hat) and chugged the luckily alcohol free champagne straight from the bottle.

“Say, are you perhaps trying to distract me? Or is my mind tricking me?”, Light asked and everyone hastily shook their head.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Mr. Yagami. Blinking, bright lights, uncomfortable party hats, loud chattering, the smell of freshly baked cake and glitter everywhere only enhance the ability to focus”, Near clarified.

“The cake smells rather burned”, Light corrected and Matt and Mello stepped out of the kitchen, holding a suspiciously black cake.

“Cake’s ready. We can celebrate. Huzza.”

“A little more enthusiasm, buddy! Huzz-A! Say it with me: Huzz-A!”

Near, Misa and Matsuda joined in.

Light and Mello both seemed to share the same headache.

“Hey, L! The cake’s ready!”

L stood up, opened his door and walked over to his employees.

“May I say, it smells absolutely horrible”, L commented and Mello seemed actually disappointed, earning a pat on the head from Matt. “Talking about cake, did you know that during the Roman period humans also called cake _plazenta_?”

“This cake looks even tastier now”, Light scoffed.

“Is that so? Mr. Yagami, would you do us the honor of trying the first bite?”

Hesitantly, Light glanced at L and then at the burned cake.

“Christ! Just fucking eat it!”, Mello growled.

“Nine. Nine times, I’ve been counting. You’ve said fuck nine times which makes nine dollars for the jar”, Matt realized.

Mello inhaled, his face still covered in flour, threw the cake on the ground, pulled out a ten dollar bill from his pockets, put it in Matt’s hand and inhaled again.

“Fuck this”, Mello growled, snarled, hissed, whatever described his bad mood best, and ditched.

“What a wonderful first day. I'm glad I didn't die of food poisoning”, Light sighed and considered a daily visit to the pharmacy.

L could only smile to himself.

_This was going exactly how he wanted it to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone who's interested:
> 
> Yo puedo ser el que hable español - i can be the one talking spanish  
No, no puedes, cállate - no, you can't, shut up  
kudos to my friend for translating this 
> 
> that being said
> 
> it's a piece of a cake to bake a pretty cake  
if the way is hazy  
you gotta do the cooking by the book  
you know you can't be lazy  
never use a messy recipe  
the cake will end up crazy  
if you do the cooking by the book  
then you'll have a-  
break it down bitch


End file.
